aresith's Journal

Maybe Today
I'm gonna give a little update, 'cause lots has been happening and I haven't been in touch with everyone.

Urinetown KICKED ASS. But I am spent. So I'm going to launch into Music Man next week, and I think I might just perish in the attempt. Fortunately I have a lovely co-LD for this show. So between the two of us it'll get done.
I'm like... not... doing.... very... well... in my classes... um. So i gotta get to work on that stuff...
I've been calling and emailing the study abroad program people every day for the past week trying to get things rolling with my application. I spoke to someone today who pretty much said I'm in, so that's good to know. I hope I didn't just jinx it or something by writing that. I haven't actually held the acceptance packet in my hands yet, but as far as I can tell, that should happen in the next few days. YAY FOR MADRID. Oh man, I'm SOOOOOOOOO PSYCHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to go to the Prado like once a week and explore the whole city on foot and take day trips to Toledo like the ones I couldn't go on with Becky.
Ok I told myself I'd stop at 8 to get abck to my paper so it's time to get going...
longer updates when i have more time........

what a feeling
So much can happen when you have motivation and a plan. Last Friday I felt like the world was starting to get the better of me, but today I feel like I'm in control of things again. At least, I'm okay with how everything is going and I wouldn't change a thing. Ok that's not exactly what I mean either. Of course there are things I can think of that could be better, but things are good. And the things that aren't either don't matter very much or are on the way to getting better.
People tell me that my positive attitude is crazy, or remarkable, or inspiring, or naive, or whatever, but the way I see it is this: Life is only what you make of it. The universe at large doesn't give a shit. Nothing matters unless someone cares. So maybe I won't get into the study abroad program I want. I will feel disappointed, but that doesn't mean a thing. I can whine and moan and sulk about what I'm missing, or I can say, great! Now I have the opportunity to get involved in things that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to do. Both of those attitudes represent the same truth, but one of them is miserable and one is cheerful. Reality simply occurs. We qualify it with our attitude. So why be miserable?
Moving on --
I want to wear my prom dress to formal! Look how pretty it is:

Ok time to go shower..........................

i don't think i have a non-face face
Tonight I found an owl. It's wasn't much of an owl -- it had been hit by a car -- but its wings and talons were relatively in tact. That's how I could tell it was an owl. It's wings were round and brown and white, and the leading edges of its primary flight feathers were fringed. They weren't long narrow soaring wings, but swift agile forest wings. The talons were scaly and sort of pink, with curved yellowy-brown nails. The legs had fuzzy white feathers all down them. I was FASCINATED. It's not every day you get to see an owl up close. I wish I could've seen its beak and eyes but on the other hand I'm kind of glad I didn't see its eyes. Once I found a bat. That was cool.

Happy Neglected-To-Refuse-To-Conform-To-Commercially-Contrived-Celebrations Day!
How could you not love a day with flowers everywhere and everyone giving each other chocolate? I bet no one else got their favorite pizza in the shape of a heart, though. :-D

I spent the whole day being terribly stressed. I missed the deadline for my second paper this semester. But I did manage to get the remaining signatures for my Study Abroad application and my Studio Art Major declaration, I know now that have a true friend who I thought I'd lost, I hung lights for a friend's thesis which is being performed tomorrow, and I made a halfway decent painting. So I missed a deadline for a paper. All things considered, I think I did a lot of important things today. After I turn in my apps tomorrow, I will get my paper(s) done, study for my art history test, TAKE A NAP, then run the lights for Sami's show.

I kinda want to go shopping.

You Can't Slam with Conceptual Art!
Wow, what a weekend!!!

I went to Hampshire with Beth to meet her friend Nadiva and to see my friend Rachel, who I haven't seen in like 7 years. We only intended to stay one night, but stayed a second night because we were just having such a good time. We discussed queer issues, ate vegan pasta, danced at a crazy party, stayed up late singing with the guitar and the fiddle, talked about sex and poetry til 7am, set up an art gallery in the house, watched an episode of 'coupling,' dressed up fancy and had champagne, performed a comic routine with a banana, argued over the nature of identity, shared poetry, then got up and grabbed breakfast at Atkins Farm before heading back to Brandeis.

I'm ready to go to bed now...

the value of parking tickets
It's about time for an update....

So, it's amazing to me how many things can happen in a day, and how much more I want to have done by the end of it. This day has felt like an eternity. But the good news is that I'm not doing anything I don't deperately want to be doing. So I'm stressed as hell, and of course feel the need to complain about it, but really I'm so happy about everything that the complaining is just to relieve pressure, and I don't mean it. I am ammused by the fact that I had two prod staff meetings, back to back, tonight. And they couldn't be more different! I'm jumping headfirst into two huge projects that are really going to test me and help me push my limits and my creativity. Yay!

Meanwhile.... tomorrow night is the RUGBY COFFEEHOUSE! I will be performing some poetry, which is super exciting. AND RBG is performing too!!! Yay giraffes!

Other news: I'm dreadding my hair! It's hard work, but it's gonna be hot. Rugby practice has been kicking my ass in the best possible way. Steff and Francis were here over the weekend, which rocked. And I love them! We went into Boston and hung out with cool people and did fun things. I'm going to Belize in February with the family... should be interesting, but good times nonetheless. I got to paint from a nude model in painting class today. I saw a hilarious movie with Christine the other day... YOU'RE A GAY SLUT! hehehe wow in case anyone is concerned that's an inside joke and i don't actually think she is a gay slut. moving on... where should I study abroad? Right now I am vaguely considering Spain, Scotland, India and Tazmania. SO yeah a little guidance would be appraciated.

enough for now... :)

I've got hungry eyes...
Today has been so amazing in so many ways!

Dirty Dancing, live jazz, long walks and flip-flops...... :)

house to myselfff :)
I love having the house to myself. I'm listening to my music really loud, I'm all comfy in my pajamas, and I'm getting laundry and cleaning done.

It's so foggy out, mild and gray and soft on the eyes and the skin. I went out to my back porch to have a snack and listen to the sounds of birds and squirrels muted by the mist, but as soon as I sat down, I began to hear "Dancing Queen" by Abba wailing from a neighbor's house, and suddenly, I heard the grinding and crashing of someone down the block doing construction, while trucks loaded with machinery and rubble roared around the corner. It was so absurd I would have laughed if I were not seriously pissed off about it. Honestly, do Scarsdale homes need to be any bigger than they already are? If I go sit out on my front steps to get the morning sun, I have to cope with another construction site across the street. What's the use of a big lawn, or a hammock, or sun-warmed stone steps, or dogwood trees for climbing if everywhere you go you hear whining electric saws and thumping dumptrucks???

Speaking of weird noises, why is my pickle sizzling? Should that worry me?

Well, I'm home now, and I'm going to be very efficient and useful and get things done before I go back to school on Monday morning. Yay!

España!
I am in an internet cafe in Madrid. It´s in a neighborhood that used to be a Jewish ghetto before the Inquisition in 1492. Now this neighborhood is full of immigrants and aspiring actors and artists. It´s a bit sketchy, but that´s my favorite kind.

What can I say about Madrid? I apparently speak Spanish better than I thought, but it took a day to kick in.. when i got out of the airport I found myself essentially incapable of communicating, and it was scary. But today I walked around the city by myself, guided by a map, and everything was fine. I love this city. It´s a lot like New York, but Spanish, and prettier. The streets follow the crazy zig-zags that were originally laid when the city was just a Moorish outpost, and then a medieval city, and they all have long spanish names, so its hard to find your way without a map. But there´s so much going on, and so many beautiful sights. Not to mention the museums... I want to the Prado and el Museo de la Reina Sofia and saw sooo much beautiful artwork. Last night i went to a Flamenco bar.

I MISS MY FRIENDS THOUGH. chances are, if you´re reading this, i miss you.

aaah got to go.. time´s nearly up................

uma is ulla hehehe
Here I am in Edinburgh!

Ellie and I flew up here from London yesterday. Her lovely boyfriend Richard met us at the bus from the airport, and since Ellie had work in the evening, he and I walked around the city getting to know each other. He gave me a basic tour, then we came across a torchlight procession through the streets, so we decided to join them and see where they were going. We ended up on a hilltop that reminded me of the Acropolis because there was a huge structure with columns. Apparently they have pagan rituals there occasionally. Anyway, last night, at the top of this hill, there were hundreds of people with flaming torches and some viking reenactors burning a longboat. Next there were a bunch of guys in kilts playing bagpipes, and then they lit some more stuff on fire and some people did acrobatics, and then there were amazing fireworks.
Today we went to the Dungeons, which was cool. We ate a pub, and I bought a Scotland rugby shirt, which I intend to wear tomorrow and probably every day hereafter.
Tomorrow both of them have work, so I'll have a chance to wander about on my own and see art galleries and stuff.

as for the past week or so, i've been in England with Ellie's family, celebrating Christmas!!!!!

I'm offended!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I just say that taking the econ exam this morning felt a lot like compulsory, involuntary suicide.......

The good news is I am seeing my Ellie in 2 days and GOD I am going to be happy to see her!!!!!!!!! Plus I get to frolick about Europe for a few weeks.... and see Becky in Spain!

I can't pretend I don't feel incredibly conflicted about leaving, though. I am going to miss everyone here immensely.

QUINN. QUINN MY LOVE I AM GOING TO MISS YOU SO MUCH. YOU BETTER GO AND HAVE SUCH A GOOD TIME IN IRELAND THAT IT OVERCOMES HOW MUCH I MISS YOU. BELIEVE ME, THAT'S A LOT, SO MAKE SURE YOU'RE HAVING LOADS AND LOADS OF FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pay attention
trudging through my paper tonight... by which i mean i haven't actually begun, but am still decyphering the poetry about which i will write. dunkin donuts to look forward to at midnight... then all tomrorow to paint, while the sun is out, and write after dark. monday, same schedule. tuesday mornning, bright and early, is the econ final! also: 2 paintings due, and the paper due. plus i intend to have memorized childe roland in its entirety by then, and perhaps i'll find flesch to recite it for him and raise my grade. what a strange set of disciplines.... painting, poetry, paper-writing, economics... not to mention the tests in environmental issues and art history which i already completed.

uhhh...

just relax
Mmmmm.... finals week. GOD i have so much work to get done, but so many better things to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am thoroughly confused by life at the moment. I can't wait to get away a little bit over Christmas break!

Spain!!!!

Sunday morning Josephs
La familia just left!
I do love them, but I remember at times like this why I never want to live at home again. I don't like the feeling that they are judgin me personally. I'm ceretain that other people in my life judge me too, but other people don't take it personally. The parents, I guess, feel like they've had a great deal to do with who I am, therefore they believe it's their right to be judgmental. I kind of understand why some kids purposely do exactly the opposite of what their parents want, just to be spiteful. I was never like that in high school. I was always very good and respectful, always the "good" child. Now that I am out of my parents' homes, however, I act however I feel is right for me and my life. I put it off until now, out of respect, but now I expect reciprocal respect. I feel completely comfortable telling them about myself and my life, because I am proud of it. When they wasked what Kassy and I did last night, I said we went to a party. They got all shifty and asked about drinking. I was like, of course we didn't drink! We're not dumb. First of all, I was driving, and second of all, we were going back to the hotel, with our parents. I was insulted that they even asked! And when my dad looked me in the eye and said "tell the truth..." I was ready to throttle him. Jesus fucking christ! I've told him before about when I've been drunk. I'd rather have him be aware of my ability to make decisions about when it is appropriate to have a drink then delude him into believing that I never drink at all! There's nothing immoral about it. It's not inherently wrong. There are risks that I consider myself to be capable of evaluating. GRRR.

Sorry to rant.

Gotta get work done... snow rugby on the great lawn later!!!

Man Ray
I am not happy.
I'm deceptively cheerful, which definately keeps me going day to day, but I'd really like to be profoundly happy. Jenny and Quinn told me "Life's tough. Wear a helmet," and that I'd never be happy searching for happiness. But I've been happy in my life. I'm certain that happines exists. I just don't know how to find it.

I have some pretty good ideas, though.

God I love being young and naive and hopeful. One day I expect to grow up and be cynical, so I'm going to run with this hope for as long as it lasts. Even though I am not happy now, I am consoled by the hope of achieving happiness. How long can a girl last on hope? I hope I become happy before I run out of hope.

Marine Iguanas
I just walked all the way to econ before I decided I wasn't going to econ. So I walked back. When did I become such a bad student? I haven't done like half the problem sets either. I hope they'll count when I turn them all in at the last minute. Fuck. Anyway I am going to my next class in half an hour, 'cause I love art history. It feels like I sit for an hour three times a week to listen to the most interesting story ever told which is illustrated with slides of the most beautiful artwork of the ancient world. After class, I'm taking myself to the mfa to see the ancient artwork, so I can write an essay about it. Then I'm coming back to stretch canvas, then start my two paintings for my final project.
It's time to start house hunting! Next year is going to be SOOO much fun, living in our own house... cooking our own meals... having parties! heh heh not that our parties aren't already fun...

Family is coming to visit this weekend. Daddy, Val, Kassy, maybe Lili, and hopefully Uncle Alan. Hahaha Yay!!!! We're going to see Two Orphans, and I think Val and Kass are going to check out Tufts while they're in the neighborhood. O dear I have so much to do and so little time to get everything done................................

Christmas!

I'm flying to Florida in the morning for my Grandpa's funeral. I'll be back Monday evening.

Booty And Wenches. YARR!
Tonight I failed to see the Dandy Warhols at Paradise Rock Club, then failed to get my tounge pierced (bad news... the way my blood vessels run in my tounge makes it unsafe for me to have it pierced.) Later I failed to finnish the icing on a piece of chocolate cake. So why was tonight so fabulous? Good company, good conversation, good poetry, good ideas, good parking spaces, and sooo much laughing!!! Overall, a very good night.

"You Only Like Me For My Beard"
Back at Brandeis!

I had such a fantastic Thanksgiving break... I spent 3 of 5 nights with Becky :) I spent a day in New York with Christine, then saw Sweeney Todd with a bunch of cool people... I cooked Thanksgiving dinner with my mommy and we had our own celebration, listening to Copland and sharing turkey with the cats. Spent one very good evening with Lili, and even got to sleep in her amazing bed. Becca stayed over at Becky's house with me last night, to give her a break in her drive up from Baltimore. Managed to see Steffi and her crazy family. I love Big Ange... Now, back to real life, or school, or whatever... somehow "school" and "real life" seem to be inherently contradictory. Hehe...

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